If you have kids, you might not want to bring them around right now. I know, like any of you who know me and have kids would bring them here anyway, but now you have more reason to hire a sitter and join me for vodka tonics — my dog has crazy blinding butt worms. But they’re only harmful to kids, so if you’re old enough to be reading this, probably you’re safe.

Like it wasn’t bad enough that I had to bring poo into the vet’s office (in a gift bag, because I figured at least then it would feel more like they were getting a present instead of crap) because they couldn’t get enough when I took the dogs in a couple of weeks ago — they found worms in Rudi’s. And, because these little suckers are so contagious, I not only have to treat her, but Yuki, too.

But back to my main point — dog poo can blind your children. Seriously, did any of you know this? It’s not like I rolled around in it or used it like Play Doh or anything when I was a wee one, but I didn’t really worry about it. Are there other things about the world I need to know? If I watch a hummingbird’s wings flap exactly 356 times, will I have a stroke? Does snake pee cure asthma? What wonders and horrors have I been ignorant about all this time?