I don’t often subject the Internet to my bitching about the grammatical incompetencies of the general public (well, other than a few specific examples), in part because any post with grammar as the subject will inevitably contain more grammatical errors and typos than I’ve ever left in one place before, but this just has to get out. “If” is not a proper beginning to a sentence that doesn’t contain an if/then clause, but more and more I hear it as a random introduction. Doesn’t work, folks!

For example, we received a letter in the mail the other day from our homeowners insurance, saying they couldn’t reach Jared by phone (ummm, did you try dialing? because usually that’s the first step), and then, “If you could please call us.” That’s it. So, if we could please call you, then what? You won’t burn our house down and screw us out of money? You’ll dance around like a monkey balancing a watermelon on your head? What?

I hear it all the time on the phone, especially when someone is leaving a message: “Hi, I’m so and so from Fartknockers. If you could please give us a call. Thank you.” It’s not a damn sentence! It’s not it’s not it’s not!

I’m not asking a lot. There’s a very simple solution. “If you could please call us, we would appreciate it.” Or, “If you could please call us, we’ll give you a million dollars.” Is that so hard? And does this bug the hell out of anyone else?