Dear Smoke Detector,

I’m sorry my earlier post upset you. I was unaware that smoke detectors were able to surf the internet and read. I was equally unaware that smoke detectors had a cruel sense of humor.

You made me painfully aware, however last night at 2 a.m., when you beeped at me again. Without much grumbling, I grabbed a chair and reset you — I figured you just enjoyed the touch of my finger or something. And so, even though your shrill scream terrifies my dogs, I tested and reset you, then went back to bed.

When you started beeping again at 3 a.m., that’s when I knew we had a problem. I tried tough love, taking my pillows and going to a guest room.  I could still hear you cry, so I closed the door to the room you were in, turned on the TV in the living room, and closed the door in the guest room. Even with a pillow over my head, I could still hear you. That’s when I took action.

I bundled up (because, of course, you had to wait until it was a cold night to do this) and decided to go buy a goddamn battery. Of course, that was only after I messed around with you to get your battery out, which caused you to go off again. You threw your battery at my head and it fell behind the dresser. Of course.

I picked it up and went out to the car, and, for the first time ever, the dogs refused to stay home. They must’ve used their doggie knowledge to sense your utter craziness. Fortunately, the gas station on the corner carried the proper 9v batteries, so it didn’t take too long to get what I needed.

Upon returning, Yuki made a mad dash for the guest bathtub (which is where she hid for most of this debacle), and I grabbed my trusty chair and proceeded to offer you the battery. I was a little too short for this, so I grabbed a step stool from the kitchen. No biggie.

Of course, it was then that you chose to point out my human flaws — when the battery didn’t easily fit in and I tried to read the instructions, you reminded me that I have glasses for a reason. I grabbed them and tried again, but even after reading, you weren’t ready to accept the new battery, at least not from the strange angle I had to use to reach you. And so, I went outside to the shed and got the BIG ladder. Hey, whatever floats your boat.

After dropping the battery behind the dresser (yes, AGAIN), I finally convinced you that this was good, this was right, and you should just accept it. And you did.

And it was completely anticlimactic. There was no thank you, no contented sigh, you just stopped being a fucking asshole. And of course, then, I couldn’t fall asleep again for another hour, but you didn’t care. You didn’t even care that my dogs were scared to come back in the room. I practically had to sleep with Snausages to get them to join me.

All I can say is, you’d better do a damn good job if there ever is any smoke in this house. Because there are plenty of other smoke detectors out there, looking for a home.

Crabbily yours,