Like many people, I have a, uh, personal massager. A personal massager I keep in a drawer in my bedside table. And I think it’s possessed.

A week or so ago, while Jared was traveling for work, I walked into my bedroom and heard a loud humming. It sounded like it was coming from behind the bed, but as I got closer, I realized it was coming from within the table. I opened it up and saw that my massager was on. In the middle of the day. When nobody had been around.

The only thing I could think of was that maybe the last time I, uh, massaged, I didn’t turn it fully off. But at the very least, it had been many, many hours — maybe days — since I’d used it, so that didn’t entirely make sense.

Then, the other night, after Jared was back home, he woke up in the middle of the night to humming. He thought maybe it was his phone out in the kitchen, but it got louder and louder, like a plane was going to buzz our bed or something.

And then, it gave one more sharp burst of buzzing, and it stopped. And then we took the batteries out. And soon, I’ll be personal massager shopping. Any recommendations?

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