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I’m so elite. I’m basically one of those ladies who lunch. I mean, the other day, I had to get up early to see my personal trainer* and masseuse**, and afterward, I grabbed a delightful meal full of berries***. I then had just a couple of hours to get ready to have a little work done — just a little injection to help my smile along*** — you know how it is.

Except:

*personal trainer = physical therapist, and my sessions don’t so much include the latest yoga and Pilates techniques as me laying on a table in front of 15 people ranging in age from 80 to 106 and lifting two-pound dumbbells while doing super sexy chin tucks.

**masseuse = massage therapist who has been working on my pterygoid from INSIDE MY MOUTH. I mean, I’m pretty sure you can share state secrets with me now. If I’m going to actually pay money to have that sort of torture done to me, I can withstand whatever some dummy in a mask can throw my way.

***meal full of berries = smoothie from the cafe at the gym because pretty much the fanciest meal I have these days is a smoothie that I don’t have to clean up after. Seriously.

**** little injection to help my smile along = injection of steroids into that pesky pterygoid muscle to, I don’t know, make it stop trying to kill me? Except, as it turns out, shooting it up with stuff actually angers it for a few days. WHO KNEW. So instead of the relief I had looked forward to (and oh, I looked forward to it), I’m now wincing at just the thought of trying to get my toothbrush into my mouth all the way.

Yeah. TMJ can suck it.

I know, I know, it will get better — and don’t worry. I’m doing All The Things in order to get there, and I’m mostly staying pretty damn positive. Trust me. Just needed to vent for a moment, you know? You know. I know you know.

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Actual conversation that took place as Jared was preparing for a trip, meaning he was determining which movies to take with him, and, being the good husband that he is, he tries to take movies I have little to no interest in seeing. See why I keep him around?

Jared: Do you want to see The Adjustment Bureau? It’s the one with Matt Damon.

Me: Matt Damon, like, fat and with a mustache? Or hot?

J: …?

Me: I mean, it matters.

J: No mustache, I think. How about Unknown? It’s like Taken with Liam Neeson.

Me: But who does it have in it?

J: Liam Neeson.

Me: But Taken had Liam Neeson.

J: Yep.

Me: So, he did the same movie twice?

J: Do you want to see it or not?

Me: Again?

J: You haven’t seen this one.

Me: But … ok, fine. Yes. I liked it well enough the first time.

J: *eye roll*

I should probably mention that he listed, like, six other movies that I swear I’ve never even heard of. I don’t understand. I watch the television. I occasionally go to the movie theater. Is it that everything that’s not Harry Potter just fails to make an impact on me? Except I knew what Arthur was, because I love the idea of Helen Mirren and Russell Brand being all inappropriate and flirty during the promotional tour.

I just saw a commercial for a meatloaf pan, and it got me wondering how many special pans/spatulas/gadgets the average kitchen dweller has. I mean, does anybody really make meatloaf so often that they need a special pan for it? Is there still some 1960s housewife out there who’s sticking to Meatloaf Mondays with all the Heinz 57 she can find?

Clearly, there’s a market for a ridiculous number of specialty cooking and baking tools, especially now that we’re all glued to Food Network and learning about how the pros make fancy cakes and create homemade pasta using their fancy-ass pasta cutters and freaking organic, I don’t know, wheat from their sustainable roof garden or whatever — which I’m sure they need a million OTHER special tools for. But really, are the rest of us buying it?

Don’t get me wrong — I guess I have a couple of rather specific cooking tools that don’t care to live without. I have my garlic mincer (which, I found out today, also works nicely for mincing ginger; speaking of which, what else can I mince? Because two things is great, but if it can mince, like, five things, it might earn a spot in the front of the utensil drawer), and a fancy hard boiled egg picker-upper (which I don’t use all that often, but when I do, I love it so much I kind of want to make out with it). And I can’t forget the quesadilla maker we snagged when Jared’s grandma last moved — I’m sure people can make mango/camembert quesadillas with just a single hot surface, but why would anybody want to?

And for grilling, we have our fish holder, and our veggie basket. And when it comes to baking, I do have a yet-to-be-used flame thrower thing for making creme brulee, which, well, I’ve thus far stuck to ordering in restaurants rather than attempting on my own.

Okay. Fine. I do own a bundt pan (and have used it once), and have a cute little cake pan that bakes flower shapes onto a cake (but, because I always frost cakes, I’ve only used this a couple of times — it’s adorable, but not so useful with the icing added).

And, well, I’m not gonna lie — I want a Slap Chop like nobody’s business. I have an apple slicer, which is awfully handy, but the Slap Chop! Have you seen it? It’ll chop your nuts! And your fruit! And you can picture crazy eyebrow guy while you’re using it!

Aww, hell. Hand me the phone. And the number for the meatloaf pan. I’m sure I can come up with a veggie substitute, and when I do? I’m gonna need that pan.

The Friday of a short week always makes me feel a little like I cheated to get here. Like I didn’t quite earn my weekend, or something. But you know what? I’LL TAKE IT. And, as a matter of fact, I’ll share a couple of things that have been making me smile lately to kick it off!

Most likely you’ve already seen this (although probably not as many times as I have), but just in case you haven’t, it is my favorite thing EVER. A friend showed it to me when Jared and I were in Philly a few weeks ago and now, all I have to hear is “Yeah?” in that voice and I lose it.

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Since this was so much fun last time, I thought we’d do it again … with a holiday twist! Please read the rules and make your guesses (please guess just one movie on the first try, even if you know a few of them!) in the comments!

The rules:

  • Pick 10 (or so) of your favorite movies.
  • Find, remember, or look up a quote from each movie. (This time around, I’m doing all movies with a holiday theme.)
  • Post them here for everyone to guess.
  • Strike it out when someone guesses correctly, and put who guessed it and the movie.
  • NO googling or cheating by doing an online search. Cheaters never prosper.
  • Commenters should share the fun and only guess one movie (on the first try — if you come back and you know one that still hasn’t been chosen, knock yourself out).
  1. But … but maybe he’s only a little crazy like painters or composers or … or some of those men in Washington. It’s a Christmas miracle! CC got this one right — “Miracle on 34th Street.” (The original, natch.)
  2. Some men are Baptists, others Catholics; my father was an Oldsmobile man. Nice work, Fitz — it’s “A Christmas Story.”
  3. “Rats don’t understand these things.” “You were never a lonely child?” “I had twelve hundred and seventy four brothers and sisters.” “Boy! Rats don’t understand these things!”
  4. Bless this highly nutritious microwavable macaroni and cheese dinner and the people who sold it on sale. Amen. Sarah nailed it — “Home Alone.”
  5. Now I have a machine gun. Ho, ho, ho. I should’ve known my husband would guess this one right away. Yippee ki yay indeed, Jared — it’s “Die Hard.”
  6. I never liked a girl well enough to give her twelve sharp knives. I like this guesser well enough to give him 12 sharp knives. Jared’s right; “Scrooged!”
  7. “Hello, David. I mean ‘sir.’ Shit, I can’t believe I’ve just said that. And now I’ve gone and said ‘shit’ — twice. I’m so sorry, sir.” “It’s fine, it’s fine. You could’ve said ‘fuck,’ and then we’d have been in real trouble.” “Thank you, sir. I did have an awful premonition that I was gonna fuck up on the first day. Oh, piss it!” Well, that didn’t take long! Kate O. is right, this is from “Love, Actually.” Who knew this was a fave for so many people?
  8. It’s just like Santa’s workshop! Except it smells like mushrooms … and everyone looks like they want to hurt me. Rock on, Holly — it’s “Elf,” right before Buddy discovers the “syrup” for his coffee.
  9. I like corny. I’m looking for corny in my life. Huzzah! Kerri Anne and I have some movie twin characteristics, as we both love “The Holiday.”
  10. Hey look, mister — we serve hard drinks in here for men who want to get drunk fast, and we don’t need any characters around to give the joint “atmosphere.” Is that clear, or do I have to slip you my left for a convincer?

Aaaaand, go!

Alright, I’m not normally one for memes, but I am one for movie quotes (as are many, many of my friends), and when I saw this post over at Pardon the Egg Salad, I decided to jump on board.

The rules:

  • Pick 10 (or so) of your favorite movies.
  • Find, remember, or look up a quote from each movie.
  • Post them here for everyone to guess.
  • Strike it out when someone guesses correctly, and put who guessed it and the movie.
  • NO googling or cheating by doing an online search. Cheaters never prosper.
  • Commenters should share the fun and only guess one movie (on the first try — if you come back and you know one that still hasn’t been chosen, knock yourself out).

Ready?

1. I’m sure there’s nothing I do that you’d find exciting. I don’t open beer bottles with my toes, I don’t sit around and count what’s left of my teeth, hey, I don’t even enjoy a good tractor pull. It’s been a limited existence, but I’ve gotten used to it. lizteubner got this one — it’s “The Cutting Edge.” And oh, you guys, I have so many other quotes from this movie. Probably because, well, I can pretty much recite it from start to end.

2. It’s not the years, honey, it’s the mileage. Thank you, Lorra! Yes, It’s “Indiana Jones” — Raiders, if we’re being specific.

3. I may not be an explorer, or an adventurer, or a treasure-seeker, or a gunfighter, … but I am proud of what I am. I… am a librarian. It’s “The Mummy,” as velocibadgergirl so keenly guessed.

4. I have two guns, one for each of ya. Kerrianne got it — Tombstone. I’m your Huckleberry. (This is another one I can pretty much do start to finish. Why I find a man with TB so damn hot is beyond me. Why oh WHY did Val Kilmer have to Brando?)

5. This job would be great if it wasn’t for the fucking customers. I figured my husband would know this one. We’ve watched it enough times! Good job on guessing “Clerks,” Jared.

6. I feel like such a heifer. I had two bowls of Special K, 3 pieces of turkey bacon, a handful of popcorn, 5 peanut butter M&M’s and like 3 pieces of licorice. As Home Sweet Sarah knew without a doubt, it’s “Clueless.”

7. I’m not a witch, I’m your wife! Megan is right — it’s “The Princess Bride.” And also a quote I use on Jared ALL THE TIME.

8. I don’t know what’s scarier, neurotic cheerleaders or the pressure to win. I could make a killing selling something like Diet Prozac. It’s “Bring It On.” Thanks, Maggie!

9. “You learned English?” “Just in cases.” Kristin got this one right — it’s “Love, Actually.” One of my favorite movies, too!

10. At your age, you’re going to have a lot of urges. You’re going to want to take off your clothes, and touch each other. But if you do touch each other, you *will* get chlamydia… and die. That’s no word vomit — Emily, you’re correct. It’s “Mean Girls!”

My job isn’t always easy, and it’s very rarely glamorous, but some of the people in my virtual office make it pretty damn easy to show up every day. Usually, like in any office, we talk about work, but other times (like in any office), we get … a little off topic.

Today, I was instant messaging with Susan during lunch, and we now have an (amazing) idea for a theme restaurant: Celebrity Head Salads.

me: I just ate a salad the size of Ben Affleck’s head
Susan: I am picturing your salad served IN Ben Affleck’s head
also, is his head larger than your average head? or salad?
me: he’s got a giant noggin. and i’m opening a restaurant. like, you could order in sizes: Reese Witherspoon, Bradley Cooper, or the GIANT Ben Affleck
Susan: Celebrity Head Salads!
me: awesome
Susan: i cannot stop laughing
or pituring various celebs with their heads in salad
me: it’s HILARIOUS
think about John Malkovich!
HUGE!
Susan: the Toby McGuire salad would be both small and vegan
me: laughing SO LOUDLY now
Susan: wondering what would be in a Puff Daddy salad
which would also be smallish, yes?
me: Tom Cruises would be short, and filled with weird Scientology veggies
Susan: Mark Anthony = small
me: definitely
JLo = HUGE
me: but JLo would be HUGE
hahahahaahha
Susan: hhahaahah

me: and with croutons of gooooold
well, shavings, maybe
and truffles!
Susan: snorting
SNORTING! OMG
me: and caviar, for SURE
Mel Gibson’s would be served with a jug of wine, and would NOT be kosher
(I’m so blogging this, btw)
Susan: god I hope so
NOT KOSHER! HAH!
—————–
Can you imagine if we worked in a real office and could actually go somewhere? Like, with alcohol? It might be safer to be in different parts of the country.

I’m a little povo, so I think I’ll stay home and cupcake tonight. That way, I don’t have to worry about running into my ex-hole or end up in a hot room. I’ll probably sit around and tweet, since I’m so myselfish.

Besides, this weekend is going to be so Obama, and even though I’ll probably end up smashed potatoes, I’m planning to pwn the dance floor.

To figure out what the hell I just said, check out the new slang. I’m not crazy. I’m just cooler than you.

(Also, if you ever hear me saying any of this in real life, you have my permission to flick me on the ear. Except for the smashed potatoes bit. I’m digging that.)

I’m having a pretty good day — I’m in Miami (well, Hollywood actually, but you get the idea) for the Gator football game. And, in case you don’t follow the sports so much, let me just fill you in. My boys won the big game, and they’re National Champions! Woo woo! We were at the stadium — not a totally new experience for us, since we were at the two national champion basketball games a few years ago, but still, it’s just so cool.

We’re staying in a nice little hotel — not fancy, but it has some charm. It also had a little something else. A surprise, if you will.

The first night, Jared and his friend went to the bar and I went to the gym. Yes, really. I came back to the room, got in the shower, start washing my hair, and I open my eyes to see pubes on the ceiling. Yes, really.

I’m not talking about a couple of random dark and curlies. No, I mean, if someone were to do a fair amount of grooming, and then put all the leftovers on the ceiling, that’s what I was looking at.

I closed my mouth really tight because, oh my god, what if one fell on me and got in my mouth. I could get pregnant, or die, or something. I finished my shower in record time and called Jared because, dude, there were pubes on the freakin’ ceiling. I didn’t want to call the front desk or anything until, for one thing, I was dressed and able to get out of there, but for another, I wanted to make sure none of our people had showered already and gotten crazy with the scissors or something.

(Nobody had, FYI. Our friends aren’t gross and crazy like that. For the most part.)

I went to the front desk to tell them — I felt like it was important that they see I’m not a creepy girl who would do this as a joke, you know. There were two women, one young and one a bit older. I was kind of hoping for the young girl, because telling the older woman is like telling your mom. But, they both greeted me. And here was the conversation:

Me: “Hi, I’m in room blah blah blah, and, um, well, I took a shower, and … erm … there were pubes on the ceiling.” (said in a hushed voice, of COURSE.)

Older woman’s jaw drops, young girl starts blushing.

Me: “I mean, we didn’t put them there. TRUST ME.”

Older woman: “I, uhh, I just don’t know how that could happen. I mean, maybe it’s just hair, and when hair dries, sometimes it sticks in weird places. We do clean the bathrooms thoroughly.”

Me: “It’s possible. But they’re really short, really dark, and really curly. And there are a lot. I don’t look at the ceiling Soon?”

When we came back from dinner and hitting the bars, our entire bathroom had been cleaned, and no trace remained of the mysterious ceiling pubes. The end.

I’m a Bette, which means “I must be strong,” according to this quiz, which I happened upon after reading about how my friend Roxanna is a Jackie.

Seriously, it’s only two questions, so if you don’t take it, I’m going to assume you’re a fat Elvis and too lazy to bother.  But if you’re not a fat Elvis, leave a comment saying what you are — you might be a Jackie, or a Marilyn, or a Katherine, or … well, I don’t even know what other options there are! So find out already!

Here’s how you get along with me:

  • * Stand up for yourself… and me.
  • * Be confident, strong, and direct.
  • * Don’t gossip about me or betray my trust.
  • * Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.
  • * Give me space to be alone.
  • * Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don’t flatter me.
  • * I often speak in an assertive way. Don’t automatically assume it’s a personal attack.
  • * When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that’s just the way I am.

What’s cool about being a Bette:

  • * being independent and self-reliant
  • * being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
  • * being courageous, straightforward, and honest
  • * getting all the enjoyment I can out of life
  • * supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me
  • * upholding just causes

But, here’s what’s hard about being me:

  • * overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don’t intend to
  • * being restless and impatient with others’ incompetence
  • * sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it
  • * never forgetting injuries or injustices
  • * putting too much pressure on myself
  • * getting high blood pressure when people don’t obey the rules or when things don’t go right